ST116 ... a few more shorts since enterring mexico

not to be taken so literal.... it's fiction-nonfiction, 'stumble beyond the walls of words'

Oct 15 … 

I have entered Mexico. The way i think about things is not very pleasant at times, but it feels real, realer than the crowd along main street with their familiar faces and perfect tattoos, kool art, suburban dreams, wealth to lay about along riviera moments. None the less, i don't see things all gloomy as some may suppose, i'm just sick of the trite, the wasted air in tight spaces… there are moon scapes across desert valleys, smiles from people i'll never know, there is beauty in just about every step if you can see, but oh my god, the damned, they're so torturous to watch, at times.

That's life real as real, up's and downs, sick and well, clarity or some magic spell. There is no reality, things are always on the move, nothing can capture change, every memory-moment is doomed to die, no absolute truth lasts long. The best one can do is to accept uncertainty, yea, and good luck with that. The mind is doomed to believe certainties one gulp at a time…… here's your coffee sir, the cafe closes at exactly ten, watch your time-watch.

You carried that fist in your heart as time was sailing. You never expected the end but there it was the end of the end right before you. You were an idol to so many and a fake to the rest. You were the cream of the crop, nobody saw you drop. It all came on so fast, one minute you were on top and the next you were swimming in the sludge. Life can be cruel, but there is always, a way out, at least that is what he wanted to believe, deep down beyond his manufactured peace, his well designed mask, his camouflage of existence.

He walked out into the desert, out into the night, nothing there but a few sacred moments collapsing in the past. All connection there lost, nothing but a bleak road laid out before him, he walked on.

He met no one cept the few others that disconnected all the cables, all the words, the endless stream of beliefs, the gods and the devils and their intricate ways. One man was standing on the edge to everything singing ballads of lost love and desperate times. Another was meditating in the meadows of wild flowers and romance and smiling beams of light across the fields. He saw himself in them and his minds architecture disintegrate into the ruins along the coast, the huge waves melting into themselves like beauty flashing across the retina for one last look. He wandered on, lost, looking, silent.

Oct 20th… Today was drastic

My relationship here is falling apart. I am not needed any longer. She has found another love, money, property control, shamanistic support, healing business in the sands. I am not needed. My charm has melted away. I have no money. My powers are useless here. I write for no reason, no body, no conclusions, no legacy. I am lost today. I feel desolate destroyed down deep. I see no way out, no happy ending, no transformation to clear acceptance for some trial of karmic reality. We are full of it. There is no system that makes sense to an individual mind. We are doomed, in happiness, sadness, confined…. eternity doesn't care. Think what you want, do what you want, memory will melt, disintegrate and you will end. So get what you want. Get rid of anything that hinders your happiness… what's the point in struggling thru anything if you can crush it, stamp it out, make it disappear, forget about it.

It's time, it's closing time, the door is already destroyed, there is no way anywhere, just walk, get your breath on the way out, forget about it, about her… nothing matters, she doesn't give a damn.

Her own ………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………….; she's left others, i'm just another on a long road of crippled relations. I should have known, I did know. I thought i'd be different, how could i know. I have done the same, have i not? She has done the best she could. She has never been loved properly. Our love fell years ago. I couldn't stand ………………………………………………

………………………………. It destroyed our intimacy. I never told her.

There are moments i hate her but i've loved her more, much more. Time, it's time, let the earth sort it out.

facing east - facing west

Oct 27 the air is moving

The air is moving, darkness is falling—into the earth, the spirit surrounding is smothering —everything. I am moving with that air, into the new, wherever it shall go, i shall string along. Kachi is here beside me, the dessert is quiet, the wind low, heavens filled from horizon to horizon with unmapped glistenings; stars, worlds, dreams, gods and devils. There is no nothingness, everything is full of itself and all, connected by unknown knowings spread out everywhere. No body, no reasonable intelligence knows one thing that is un-moved by the powers of the mystery. We are living awareness moving endlessly. This is the ride.

Where i sit jesus sat, so did buddha and all the rest
in the twilight of the night the fearless hunter walks
the lonesome traveller passes by and shutters
at all the weary westerners wearing their false hopes
everything has its place and nothing is mistaken
for ‘the height of inner peace is at the core of it all’,
says the joker and the thief as they wander off
like one into eternity

I am alone here in the middle of Mexico, in the dessert, in this night air. I have no home, i have no common security. I am alive. I breathe this cool air and question nothing as fear fades over the sands of my life. I see i have lived and now death is moving in, closer. I have nothing to regret, nothing to grasp on to, i am free for the moment in this light of the dark sky. Soon things will change, they always do.

selling jesus in the streets of paradise

Oct 29 … it's a new day

My cage of security, comfort, and romance has been smashed against the waves of my heart. I'm walking into the distant horizon where nothing but everything exists. These are all just words reaching into the night for a few breaths of relief. Nothing much really matters out here in the dessert of the soul. How many have gone before me, how many will pass by after i've gone. We take ourselves so seriously. We think we are so important that we will live forever. How many saviors does it take to behead us? Just like that little creature on the shore line to ecstasy, we wash up along the coast uncertain whether we lived or died. Freedom, she wants freedom, some sort of happiness, and why not, at any cost, it can get delivered, deleted, diluted, desired…… just keep yourself sane, and be what you feel you need to be.

I'm walking out into the night with a head full of emptiness and a few crystals dangling off my eye lids. I'm in a new age. I've got a healer on every corner, around every bend there are miracles waiting in my third eye. The whole world is at my finger tip, the long dreams are floating by in sequence, in charades of dance and ancient colour parading around as angels. I love this imaginary world where all the languages blend into one another like white noice in a vortex of purity. What else is left for a man nearing the end. The doors are open the windows are clear, the walls have all but disappeared, one last fight and that's it.. the mind must go, at all cost, memory is tearing at infinity with claws vanishing. I walk out alone, with out any one near, nothing but a few whispers of silent love lay themselves across the precipice of sacrifice……. i fade away.

it’s that time

stumble beyond the walls of words
where memory collapses - seeing begins

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