ST115 ... A Few Ponderings Since My Last Entry... Oct 5 2024
Sept. 29 2024 - Walking Thru Facebook.
Walking one night in the middle of it with my eyes wide awake thru the list of friends come and gone, here and there, forsaken, lost, some dead, some barely living, family, distant and close, and so many i can't remember how they ever ended up in my book. In the early days when i thought i'd market myself and images over this medium…. things have changed, that never happened. I never became successful selling images via the internet. That part of my existence failed. The digital camera became popular then the cellphone camera collapsed most possibilities of selling images of my nature on line…. at least with my marketing techniques, next to none.
It was interesting seeing some friends and their sparse moments of a life lived. Made me aware of how fragile and impermanent we all are. We all age, some gracefully, many disturbed, caught in a world difficult to maneuver thru. So many stretching across the screens for some form of connection with family, friends, acknowledgments for their existence. I am just another friend on a page of a screen awake in the middle of the night holding on to the thoughts and feelings gliding by.
It's quiet here. I am leaving this place in two weeks for a very uncertain future into Mexico. No home base left, over three quarters of a century old, little money, on a minimum pension with freedom and fear wavering around my skull.
The world is at war in so many ways. Pychopathic leaders tormenting love with blood thirsty needs from mind to body. There is no where to hide. Grids of magnetic waves are trimming the earth with strategies and agendas… i am sick of thinking about it all. My war is inside. I have a few members of my family i care about and that care about me. Many don't know me, read my life from a blog and for the most part interpret me as someone i am far from being. That is all understandable, ok, not disturbing cept for one instigator attempting to create energy for herself from the depth of my soul. She is accustomed to doing that with others also. She will learn or she won't. That is not my concern anymore. I have a completely new adventure that will demand my full attention. Alone in a foreign country, with out family or friends. Nothing but the love i carry forward and the strength of my will to live. I have got this, for now. Life will end, it is ending now, so we live till we don't, one transformation to another, memory disintegrates and thank god it does. Soon i will be on the coast, watching waters crush my soul against the shorelines. Moments free of memory, free from the known, free from time. I write. Words are my friend. They bend, embed, rise and fall, they are the maps melting along the coast, with each wave they move into themselves like winds through a forest.
Oct. 6 2024 - The World is Asleep
the world is asleep, the milky way sheds light across the sky. my mind is at ease but it is leaving this place, this time. it has no need to balance differences with the torment and beauty here, nor caress what has been lost with dreams dead. in the twilight of things memory will flourish for an occasional moment yet, but i will be gone. the horizon of hope has left its suit case at the door, the whole universe is empty tonight, filled with silence and serenity. the ears are closed, eyes blind, hearts warm and full.
in the heat of the night a cool breeze gently blows across the heavens. i am in everything, the glistening skies, stars endlessly shoot into one another at lighting speed with trillions of lives and death and time. i have nothing to behold. i am content here falling into the endless realms holding onto nothing as time stops, it goes, it stops. the eternal infinite endless blackness and lightness stretches and stretches as the world sleeps across the fields, the cities, the forests and mountains of valleys of words melting into it all.
After a while when the people have all gone, the fire is out, the darkness is all about, will you come to me, tell me of your self, your secret dreams, your uncertainty, your love. Will you be honest and leave your face by the door, will you sit guiet by the window ledge and gaze with me into the depth of the forest for awhile.
Oct. 12 2024 - i have been defeated
i have been defeated. I am free again of praise and gratitude. The slow men are emptying their pleasures amongst the others. The sky is clear and dark once again. The waters fall over the horizon as my mind. The vast ships of knowing are circling holes black. I watch. I stumble no more. Clear ancient endless dark is all. I have been defeated. Time has pillaged itself—t is so slow it hardly exists…. moments dying like stars. I am here in the middle of it all like a heart alone, defeated, free, silent.
The night is strange, it is shy. The forest will come with me as i exit. It is mine. I am hers. The cold waters and the moss, the red wood, the slugs along the trail…. the ferns will blow south, the north west has sunk into my skin. I have no home. Death is closer now. Age is aging. Memory and love are one as i walk into the deep sleep.
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Pretty piece full of elegiac surrender.
Wishing you the best on the next leg of your journey. You have a good companion. Keep posting.
P.S. Your pictures deserve a wider audience.
Patrick, prayers and thoughts as your sojourn continues.....Mayhap will see you during our journeying to and from Belize.